| Monday, January 30, 2006 |
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a moment of truth. i kinda accepted reality. i suddenly remember sth i read in a book: promises are like butterflies, they flutter beautifully around you first and then disappear into nowhere- nowhere you can find. i always treasure promises and i always fulfil my promises made to people do you? nah but i dont blame you at all. i can only blame myself. for being so fucking naive. so overwhelmed by those honeyed words. i only blame myself. really. now that everything is almost final, and it has been so long. again i screwed up. and even though my apology is never taken, i am never forgiven. i already decided. i decided that it is time finally really this time to let go. from now on, i will treat as if i have never ever known him. i made a vow too. one that i will keep. if i treat promises so seriously, how seriously do you tink i will treat a vow? even though i am torn apart inside, i know this is the right choice. the only way to forget. and i guess to be doing all these right now is his way of helping me too. i refuse to see him in a bad light. this is his way of helping me. he is helping me. he wants me to be utterly and completely hurt so that i can give up totally and not harbour anymore hopes. he is the selfless one. i am the selfish one. i am the one stopping him from moving on to his 7th girlfriend. i am the one dragging him back to the past he doesn't want to re visit. i am the one refusing his freedom. i am the one. i am the selfish one. so selfish i detest myself. you are right. i am so selfish i cant recognise myself. why cant i just be happy for him? i will still live in his memories anyway among the other six. but it is okay. at least i know i hold a place, however small. and even if it diminished and disappeared at least i once held a place. and for that, i ought to be happy enough perhaps? he is happy, i ought to be happy for him. for finding a life for moving on so fast. now it is time for me to go. so let me be utterly and completely hurt, totally in the down, be at the bottom of the pit for a while and soon i will learn to climb back up.hopefully. just let me cry my hearts out for these few days and i will be alright and standing again. standing without a shadow cast at the side. standing with memories of him erased. standing without being continuously tortured by the past. standing with my head high and telling everyone finally and firmly that i am over him. being able to walk past places without recollections. able to look at his name in books and papers without staring hours into space. able to stop wishing the dreamcatcher will work. able to stop looking down on myself. i will be okay. i promise. and you know how much i treasure promises. time will heal. cliche as it sounds. and i have friends whom i know will stick by me through thick and thin. for now. i am just one friend less. i can deal with that. what's more. he is just trying to help me, i sincerely believe. because no matter what he did to me and no matter what others say about him, he is still the guy i knew right from the start. that cheeky, well-mannered, playful, understanding, fun-loving guys. and he still is. as nice as ever. without a doubt. but that memory of him will be forgotten. soon. everything has to go.right from the start. the chancery days. the acs barker. the waffletown. toa payoh. jurong point. the bus stop outside my house. river valley road. dry ice bomb. sentosa. balmoral plaza. junction 8. tiong bahru plaza. jurong east. clementi. playgrounds. novena square. eski bar. rjc. bubble tea shop. macdonalds. everything. everything. EVERYTHING. if i have a brain concussion, everything will be much easier. this is going to be the last time. no more peibei. no more. and you know it yourself that you are not bei pei. i just want to be the peibei before everything. |
| peibei 1:10 PM |
| profile |
| peibei- eighteen basketball rjc 11th Jan 1988 boring stupid antisocial haha. loving--- all my friends, music, books, music, friends. |
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| music |
| Juliana Theory, The Used, Linkin Park, Further seems Forever, Funeral for a friend, Michael Learns to Rock, Moulin Rouge Soundtrack, The Ataris, MAE, motion city soundtrack, lost prophets, Hot Rod Circuit, Hot Hot Heat, Alexisonfire, Jason Mraz, Blink 182, Thrice, My chemical Romance, Taking Back Sunday, Jimmy Eat World, Twelve Stones, Disagree, Iron Maiden |
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| living through hell with. |
| somewhere along the way we lost our heads we dont need these happy endings i am waiting for the final moment you say the words that i cant say. |
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| Credits |