| Wednesday, February 08, 2006 |
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did not want to write a post- write a post. cos i know this is gonna turn out real bad. i dunno. seriously, what the hell am i doing. maybe if i stop thinking so much. maybe it will help. it used to be better. when i was so tired after training and school, i slept right away. but now. it just doesn't seem to work anymore. i am pushed back. but i can only go forward. what martin said sounded really kinda right. when you hang out in crowds too much at night, somewhere along the way, when you are alone at night, you will feel more alone. haha. and i guess the worst feeling you can ever get is to feel alone even when you are in a crowd. isn't it? i cant fit into my class. i dunno how many times i say this. but i really cant, and i feel so miserable everytime i am in class. there is no one i can talk to, cos everyone is so busy listening or they just dun want to talk to me, or i just dunno how to talk to them. and the only people i can talk to in class are the guys. who aren't really great conversationalists. because they just suan me continuously. and continuously. sometimes it gets overboard, i will be wth for that moment but after that i am fine. cos i know they are joking. but seriously. i tink they think i am dumb. maybe i am. yeah so my bball is not that great so i may not get into the team. i am trying. can you at least encourage me instead of constantly putting me down and telling me how sucky i really am. i already feel miserable as it is, with jiao lian constantly being mad with me. in the first place, i never said i was good. i know where i stand. i know i will always be at the bottom. no matter how i try. how much effort i put in. it is like this never ending race with no end to it. no light at the end of the tunnel. even when i was playing golf. i still wasn't the cream of the crop, wasn't i? i fought hard and in the end it still ended like that. i feel disheartened. does that mean i can never excel in anything? even though i always know i can never fit in rjc, i still came here. Not because myself, but perhaps for my dad, for him to have sth to be proud of. and yet now, i wonder whether it would have been different if i had gone to acjc instead. or even jurong jc. i dun give a damn for the brand or the name. i just want my life to be a bit more enjoyable. at least in rjc, i have the bball team. that really is the best thing that happened to me in rjc. friends made in rj dun stay close to you. haha that is one thing i learnt. except perhaps these people who are so important to me right now. you may say that i have lotsa friends in rjc, while i can say that they are just mere acquaintances. only with people i am truly comfortable with, will i allow my true personality to come out. because i know the others will just think i am weird. isn't that a classic case of being lonely even in a crowd? some people just cant accept people for who they are. just becasue they are different from you. it is just one more year anyway. just grit my teeth and go thru with it. it will be over before i know it. come to think of it, i miss nanyang. sad to say. but truth be told, it was a lot more relaxing there. right down here, i cant laugh too loudly, cant talk too loudly, cant say what is on my mind, cant sing loudly without people giving weird looks, cant be myself. just constantly restrained. because there is a reputation to maintain. whatever happened to the one who doesn't care about what others think of her? maybe it is due to last year's disturbing event. i dun used to be like this. so emo. such a wreck. so weak. i dun recall being such a failure and loser. i dun recall life being so hard. maybe it is true. you cant run away from what is in you. and my only source of escape will just ruin my stamina. so i cant use that. and training is the only time of the day i look forward to. dont laugh at me. dont look away. (bedshaped- keane) and i find it so hard to face all of you if i let you down. ps/ i know if you read this, you will just tell me. don make yourself sound so pathetic. well. i wanna say that your own problems always seem the bigger to you than others. there. it is a human inclination. and i am human too. |
| peibei 8:43 AM |
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| peibei- eighteen basketball rjc 11th Jan 1988 boring stupid antisocial haha. loving--- all my friends, music, books, music, friends. |
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| Juliana Theory, The Used, Linkin Park, Further seems Forever, Funeral for a friend, Michael Learns to Rock, Moulin Rouge Soundtrack, The Ataris, MAE, motion city soundtrack, lost prophets, Hot Rod Circuit, Hot Hot Heat, Alexisonfire, Jason Mraz, Blink 182, Thrice, My chemical Romance, Taking Back Sunday, Jimmy Eat World, Twelve Stones, Disagree, Iron Maiden |
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| living through hell with. |
| somewhere along the way we lost our heads we dont need these happy endings i am waiting for the final moment you say the words that i cant say. |
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